27.

I finished work and hopped on my bike, peddling barefoot the extra 30 minutes down the coast anticipating the serenity of my favorite undisturbed beach spot.  After dropping the bike (and my pants), I sunk my bum and toes in the sand while inviting the actualization to also sink in, that here I was in Western Australia growing a year older, all alone. I began to question myself, my choices, and where I am on my path. Realizing how disconnected I've felt not only from myself, but also from friends and family, and feeling a slight notion of fear, that I don't even know a place I can call home anymore. But the truth is I've never felt quite "at home," in all my life, and perhaps this is what I've unknowingly been seeking for. In the midst of all these thoughts, I suddenly became overwhelmingly sad, and felt a harrowing sense of loneliness.  I questioned if I was being selfish for craving acknowledgement and company on my birthday when there are people with far greater sufferings in the world. I've always been a bit of a loner, pretty good at being alone, and I've never been one to make my birthday a 'thing'...so why should today be different?  As the bout of loneliness continued to undulate me in its sheath, I caught myself before being engulfed into a 27-year-old pity party. Years ago, my 24-year-old self would have faltered to having a drink for every sorrow.  But now, instead of suppressing my darkness, I chose to embrace it. Most of my life has been a constant flux of feeling as though I'm on track, and then falling off again. But I'm finally making the conscious effort to pull from within me the strength to always reach that equilibrium. No longer becoming stagnant in artifice, but rather finding my footing so that my soul can dance its authentic essence. And mostly, to stop seeking fulfillment in the external and befriend myself once again. One thing this past year has taught me, is that I'm a hell of a lot better at pouring my love and musings into others, than I am myself.

And so, I closed my eyes and chose to meditate on what was coming up. In time, my thoughts had shifted from the external, to the internal. The external being what my ego thought it needed, the internal being the acknowledgement of what I already had. I placed my hand on my heart. It's beating for me, I'm alive. That in itself should be enough to be happy. Allowing myself to just feel purely content, without expectation, and simply be in the moment of a beautiful day. To be OK, with being alone.

I stared out at the sea for awhile, when out of nowhere I noticed a butterfly at the shoreline. It started to flutter closer and closer as I continued watching. Without expectation, I reached out my hand, and it flew right to me. That butterfly stayed with me for awhile, resting on my hands, my head, circling around me and landing on me again and again.

I went a little photo crazy, but I was so happy in the moment I couldn't help myself.

By the time it reached my hand it was very still, subtlety expanding its wings every now and then.  I sensed the butterfly was dying, and in fact, I was sure of it. At the same time, I have felt like something within me is dying too. But a necessary death to set a foundation for a re-birth. Like the butterfly, I am a shape shifter. Evolving more into a woman of complete authenticity, and leaving behind parts of the girl. 

Eventually the butterfly flew off, and left me in a state of utter peace, and acceptance. I know that butterfly was sent as a message to affirm all my apprehensions. I'm exactly where I need to be, continuing to do the work. Befriending myself.

After the butterfly encounter, life continued on with the birthday blessings. That evening when I got home, I had a message from Michelle, friend and owner of the gym where I've been teaching yoga and aerial silk classes. Michelle invited me out to dinner with her that evening, and told me she would pick me up at 6. When we arrived at the restaurant, I was completely shocked to see a group of my students had all gathered to celebrate my birthday, bearing cards, gifts, huge smiles and laughs. Just when I thought I was alone, there they all were! Overwhelmed, I realized I hadn't felt that much love in a long time. It blows me away to think that here I was, in a foreign country, being shown the utmost love, affection, and generosity from a group of women I only recently met.  

"The more you thank life, the more life will give you to be thankful for."  This little mantra continues to ring true to me as I recognize the support and blessings that life continues to fortify my path with, to help me continue on. 

May the transient span of 27 be a time of magnificent transformation. 

~ Nicolle

Plumeria Power

It was while living in Asia this past year that I first took in the sweet scent of nature's little gift, the Plumeria flower tree, also known as Frangipani for the first time. It's incredible how much joy I found in these flowers. They live short robust lives, continuously flowering and permeating vivid color and an enticing sweet scent that would stop me in my tracks.  It became my daily ritual to pause in the presence of the Plumeria.  While living on Gili Meno in Indonesia, the flowers grew everywhere and I routinely collected the fallen flowers under a tree next to my bungalow, mindfully scattering them on my bed and bed frame, filling the room with fragrance.  This gesture became a  practice of meditation for me, and I felt in harmony with my femininity while being reminded of small practices of gratitude that are here for us to embrace.  It's so easy for us humans to complicate things with our mind (guilty!)...but these flowers with their short little life span of utter unadulterated beauty, reminds me to stop. Breathe. It doesn't always have to be so complicated. I have caused much of my own suffering in my young life for constantly striving for perfection, too distracted to recognize the perfection in the subtlety, failing to embrace the present, until those moments have passed by.

I've learned that these flowers have a myriad of meaning and symbolism in various countries. According to Cunningham's Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs (by Scott Cunningham; Llewellyn Publications, 1984)  Plumeria is associated with the feminine, ruled by Venus, its element is water, its deity is Buddha, and its power is love. (Makes sense.)

Plumeria tree growing outside my bungalow in Indonesia.

 My life has recently undergone a significant whirlwind of change. From island life back to 'civilization,' trying to find my place once again in a foreign country, and bearing tiny wounds in the heart. But I know all this struggle is meant to prompt me to continue to do the necessary work, awakening dormant strength & depths within. Creativity can always be cultivated from challenges.

I'm thankful to discover the Plumeria grows here in Australia, and amazingly... all over the streets where I live! I've promised myself to continue to pay homage to my island tendencies, and always stop to admire the Plumeria. When they bow their heads in weariness and fall, I'll pick them back up and continue to relish in their blossom.  Because beauty in the subtlety never dies.